Jewish mental Health

How can this make sense?How can so much pain make sense?I think about the Jews who were in Egypt for 210 years,how did those individual Jews survive such suffering for so many years.Is it a trade pain for growth?and what happends if the pain is too much and growth doesnt happen but instead I give up.How is it worth it then?What was the point of the pain then?

Its amazing how an act can give someone hope.I was coming back to my apartment where I live alone,feeling down,thinking will I ever get better,will things ever be different.I took the mail out of my mail box and saw that someone I know sent me a check to help pay for medical care.All of a sudden I got a little hopeful,Maybe my parents hurt me very much and werent there for me and Maybe I have suffered for over 20 years but the person who sent this check cares and then are there for me.Maybe I will get better one day.

Whats the point?Is this what I was born for?To be exhausted and depressed each day.To feel alone.How could this of happened to me.How could I have been abused by my own family member.The emotional pain that has been weighing down on me for so many years.Maybe there is purpose to my suffering but it hurts too much.I dont want to be in pain anymore.No more emotional and physical pain.Not too long after I wake up in the morning I am exhausted again and ready to go back to sleep.How painful is it to watch those around me living their lives,getting married,making money.Another session of therapy,but does it really do much,I feel like I am not getting anywhere.

It seems like a dream,like one of those movies where the character wakes up but but I am not waking up.This is life,this is my life.but how can it be,things were supposed to be different,I was supposed to be loved growing up,I wasnt supposed to be abused.I wasnt supposed to be in so much physical pain for the last 20 years.How does one even survive so long in pain.At least the weather was beautiful outside today.At least I have some special friends in my life.I have thoughts that attack me.Negative thoughts,painful emotions.Can you relate to this?

I am going to try to sleep in my place tonight.Many nights I sleep by a friend because I am too anxious to sleep alone.Some nights I start off in my place but wake up in a panic and drive to friends house.Thank God I can just walk into my friends place day or night without even knocking.Even though in my mind I know its just anxiety the anxiety is so strong that it can trick my mind into thinking I will stop breathing faint or even die.For those who havent had bad anxiety in their lives the way I would describe it is it feels like the feeling one gets when they see a car about to run them over so imagine having this feeling for many hours a day every day.

Spent Weekend with good friends in Brooklyn,going to these friends is always relaxing and rejuvinating. They are good people who get it,have had life experiences that have taught them whats important in life.I just feel like I can act myself there.Be real.Saturday night has always been difficult for me because it means going back to the reality of the week.Back to being alone,back to trying to figure out how to raise money for medical treatment.My body automatically feels that the week is starting again,I feel the anxiety and tension in my bones.My body knows before my brain does http://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/313183/the-body-keeps-the-score-by-bessel-van-der-kolk/9780143127741/ .